I can’t wait until Scout enters middle school. Did I say that? Why yes, I did. It means more homework and more autonomy which will definitely be a challange. But it also means no more Carnivals, Fun Fests or any other opportunity for him to stand out as the ‘weird kid’ in such a painfully social setting.
Maybe it’s just painful for me. That’s what I’m trying to figure out, and trying to come to terms with. I always get my hopes up that things will be different ‘next time’. Scout does have a handful of friends that he plays with, has lunch with, has sleepovers with. But when we go to these elementary get-togethers he is definitely the outsider. Even if any of his friends are there he doesn’t pay much attention to them. He doesn’t pal up and go on the monkey bars, or sit down to eat, throw around a football, whatever–with anyone. It kills me.
Tonight I had high hopes that this would be better. The start of a new year and the last year Scout will be at this school, I would know more moms than usual and he would have his little core group. We got there a bit early and immediately my hopes were dashed. A DJ was there and was already playing some loud thumping music. Three boys were hanging around the booth, boys Scout has known and even had to birthday parties in the past. Instead of going over to say hi to these boys, Scout starts dancing. Not just dancing, but doing the dramatic moves he’s learned off of his Wii game that–let’s face it–without the screen in front of him, look pretty darn silly. He thinks it’s cool and impressive. He doesn’t understand that a) it’s not. b) when no one else is dancing, it’s probably not a great idea to start pulling out your moves. c) the boys under the tent were all laughing and making fun of him. Just kill me now.
I called him over and told him he needed to stop dancing because no one else was and people might think it’s strange. Is that being a bad mom? Is it bad to not just let him do what he wants to do and the hell with what others think? Maybe I’m wrong, but my thought is that I’d like to help keep him from committing social suicide. He always automatically reaches out for my hand when we are walking side by side. We have always held hands when we walk. However, now that he is a big 5th grader, I doubt many of those boys hold hands with their moms anymore–at least not in public. It’s so hard for me, but I have to tell him NOT to hold my hand when we are at school. I feel horrible doing it, but I’ve explained why I am saying that to him. I’m sure he understands, but it still hurts.
It hurts not to hold his hand, and it hurts that I can’t just let him do whatever he wants to because those are the Social Rules. I’m trying to make his foray into middle school easier by making him aware of it all now. It really sucks.
Moms and Dads of kids on the spectrum, people out there on the spectrum, please tell me: Am I doing all of this because it’s my own problem? Do I need to just get over feeling embarrassed for him and wanting to pour myself a drink every time we get home from a social function because I’M the only one feeling sad and alone?? The one thing about Asperger’s that I say is a blessing is I don’t think he even notices or cares if he’s fitting in with everyone else.
But maybe he does.
I don’t know.
Sep 8, 2011 at 9:45 pm
As a kid who grew up socially awkward, maybe with Asperger’s… I would say it’s your pain more than his (this is no way to minimize how you feel). This is to say that he doesn’t know the kids are “laughing at him” … yet. I remember elementary school hanging out alone many a recess, many a super kid’s day, and from what I call — I liked it. Inside the mind of an Aspie, there’s a big wide world that they are often enjoying. It makes me think of a letter I got from the “classically teased” kid in my 3rd grade class that said – ” I think you are really nice, I wish the other kids didn’t tease you so much” … this took me by shock or in other words I had no idea I was the odd one out.
That being said… as I got older I started to connect more with the outside world and figure out what others were saying about me. I remember Junior High being particularly challenging as I realized I really was the odd one out and had no clue why or what to do about it.
So in closing I would be careful of “forcing” what I would call extrovert values on him… that might make him feel inadequate in a way he doesn’t naturally. However try to learn what he does feel, a good idea might be to neutrally ask “How did you like “kid’s day” or “event X”? or What did you think of the activities? Did you talk to anyone interesting? Try to see how he feels in a non-threatening manner. If he is feeling left out, don’t talk about “how to be cool” – that’s an impossible concept for the typical aspie… but talk about asking how to be “friendly” and “ask people how they feel” and “what they are up to lately”… becoming interested in others is really tough for an Aspie as they tend to be somewhat self-absorbed (not conciliated… but kind of entranced with themselves). May be why he thinks everyone would love the Wii moves… I mean he thought they were awesome… so obviously the other kids would recognize that. Right?
Oh by the way… this is all written by someone who is not a Mom… and probably doesn’t know anything about parenting.
Sep 9, 2011 at 9:03 am
Oh Suz, you just wrote the blog post that has been bouncing around my head the last few days (I still might write it!)
Trying to determine what is our hang ups vs theirs is so darn difficult. Jett often seems so unhappy, yet he really isn’t. And sometimes when it looks like he’s having fun, he isn’t. How to know?
I would say this… let him hold your hand. It gives him comfort. I too was trying to shrug Jett off in public “for his social good”, but decided he’s never going to look like the other kids, and why deny him the sometimes only source of comfort he gets during the day. I don’t usually give advice, but this time I am. Feel free to take it or leave it!
I hope today is better!
Julie
Sep 19, 2011 at 5:23 pm
Julie, I love it that you’re doing the big trip too…looks like it’s going well…?
Thanks for your input, you know I so appreciate it. I never really thought of holding Scout’s hand as being such a comfort to him, it’s just something automatic that we always do when we walk together. Definitely food for thought.
Take good care, my dear. Hopefully the older our kids get the more we’ll be able to figure out what they’re thinking and how they feel. A mom can hope, anyway…!
Sep 18, 2011 at 10:02 am
Holy cheezits… you wrote everything I feel like I can’t say out loud. I feel horrible because I’m not letting him ‘be himself’, but he can’t see the teasing that I see all too well.
Sep 19, 2011 at 5:24 pm
Aww, so sorry you are going through this, Kristin. Is your child on the spectrum as well? Or just dealing with mean kids?? Seriously, is there anything worse than mean kids???
Oct 5, 2011 at 11:06 pm
Thank you for sharing. There’s a lot us moms have in common, it seems.
Dec 7, 2011 at 10:08 am
[…] remember the last time he broke out into a Just Dance dance. I posted about that too–it was at a school function and I painfully watched from afar as boys made fun of him and he […]
Jan 6, 2012 at 1:07 am
Susie,
I loved reading this!!!! Oh my gosh! I have felt every single one of those feelings!!!!!!!!!! I am so glad I found your blog!!! I found it by accident when researching if I divulge to the Geo Bee authorities that the champ’s got AS..but I will email you that story. Anyhoooooo…I can’t tell you how happy I was to be done with B and Elementary school. Those carnivals..those kids..the dj parties..the awkwardness and for us..the lack of support and services. However, I won’t digress. I just want to touch on a few things you said. The hand holding- I love that you mentioned that. He wanted to walk hand in hand to and fro school daily. It was so sweet. And when I went to volunteer, my then 5th grader would shout “mommy!” and run and engulf me in a hug. Although I loved it, I worried it would widen the already huge gap b/t him and the peers, so…we developed some other greetings and alternatives to hand holding in public ( like a secret handshake or high 5). It took a while and he still slips up often, but I assured him that i love him the same and will cuddle and all that at home, but I don’t want kids to make fun of him. He said he didn’t care..but I felt like , why give em more ammo. Also, regarding middle school….I hope your boy has as good of an experience in middle school as mine has. I have found that it’s a ZILLION times better than elementary school for my guy!!
I’ll post on it in another comment area. I’m a few years ahead of you (b’s in 7th grade) so I’m happy to pass on any wisdom I’ve found. Made lots of mistakes too. Anyway, thanks for this blog post..you expressed ,so well,what I felt so often Oh, and the questions that you asked at the end of the post. I ask myself stuff like that DAILY. I guess it’s just live an learn. And yes,the good(?) part is…they DON’T care or get embarrassed like we do……
Hugs,
Susie