I can’t wait until Scout enters middle school.  Did I say that?  Why yes, I did.  It means more homework and more autonomy which will definitely be a challange.  But it also means no more Carnivals, Fun Fests or any other opportunity for him to stand out as the ‘weird kid’ in such a painfully social setting.

Maybe it’s just painful for me.  That’s what I’m trying to figure out, and trying to come to terms with.  I always get my hopes up that things will be different ‘next time’.  Scout does have a handful of friends that he plays with, has lunch with, has sleepovers with.  But when we go to these elementary get-togethers he is definitely the outsider.  Even if any of his friends are there he doesn’t pay much attention to them.  He doesn’t pal up and go on the monkey bars, or sit down to eat, throw around a football, whatever–with anyone.  It kills me.

Tonight I had high hopes that this would be better.  The start of a new year and the last year Scout will be at this school, I would know more moms than usual and he would have his little core group.  We got there a bit early and immediately my hopes were dashed.  A DJ was there and was already playing some loud thumping music.  Three boys were hanging around the booth, boys Scout has known and even had to birthday parties in the past.  Instead of going over to say hi to these boys, Scout starts dancing.  Not just dancing, but doing the dramatic moves he’s learned off of his Wii game that–let’s face it–without the screen in front of him, look pretty darn silly.  He thinks it’s cool and impressive.  He doesn’t understand that  a) it’s not. b) when no one else is dancing, it’s probably not a great idea to start pulling out your moves.  c)  the boys under the tent were all laughing and making fun of him.  Just kill me now.

I called him over and told him he needed to stop dancing because no one else was and people might think it’s strange.  Is that being a bad mom?  Is it bad to not just let him do what he wants to do and the hell with what others think?  Maybe I’m wrong, but my thought is that I’d like to help keep him from committing social suicide.  He always automatically reaches out for my hand when we are walking side by side.  We have always held hands when we walk.  However, now that he is a big 5th grader, I doubt many of those boys hold hands with their moms anymore–at least not in public.  It’s so hard for me, but I have to tell him NOT to hold my hand when we are at school.  I feel horrible doing it, but I’ve explained why I am saying that to him.  I’m sure he understands, but it still hurts.

It hurts not to hold his hand, and it hurts that I can’t just let him do whatever he wants to because those are the Social Rules.  I’m trying to make his foray into middle school easier by making him aware of it all now.  It really sucks.

Moms and Dads of kids on the spectrum, people out there on the spectrum, please tell me:  Am I doing all of this because it’s my own problem?  Do I need to just get over feeling embarrassed for him and wanting to pour myself a drink every time we get home from a social function because I’M the only one feeling sad and alone??  The one thing about Asperger’s that I say is a blessing is I don’t think he even notices or cares if he’s fitting in with everyone else.

But maybe he does.

I don’t know.

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